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So I dont know what Im doing.. I mean Ricky is just too good to be true.. I dont deserve someone like him. I know ima be the heartbreaker in the end. I know he will hate me and never talk to me again even though he said he'll love me forever. But thats what all guys say cus they think thats what girls want to hear.. and we do.. But we wanna hear it from someone we love. He says he loves me more than anything.. that im the love of his life... and it makes me happy that i am .. But honestly Id be lying to myself if i said He was the love of my life. The commitments he wants from me are too big.. I dont think i can keep every single promise i made him.. I dont wanna hurt him.. & sometimes i just think to myself why am i saying all this to this guy if i dont mean it.. I love him hes an amazing guy.. He really is but like i said before Im not�IN Love with him.. Hes everything I need but everything I dont think i want.. Should i tell him now..? Cuz im honestly so lost.. Im starting high school next month and I think that things are going to change between us.. he wants to meet up with me but i dont think i can. I dont want him to fall deeper in love with me than he already is.. Hes gonna be the one whose gonna be hurt and i'll be hurt but not as much as hes gonna be.. I feel as if this relationship went a bit too fast.. I want a healthy relationship.. One where i can see him everyday and be comfortable around him & be happy. I dont wanna break up with him.. I really dont.. But if i keep it going Ima end up hurting him soo much and i dont want that.. I dont want him to hate me for not loving him.. I wanna be his best friend. and i think that was what i should have kept it.. not a boyfriend.. I love you so much But i dont think it'd be as much as you love me..

So Mitchel invited me to his ex girlfriends bday party on the 29th.. I like really want to go .. But isnt it weird? Going to a party you werent even invited.. and especially his ex girlfriends..!! I really would love to meet him but then i would love to meet him somewhere thats not his ex gfs party.. like a simple dinner :D Hehe thatd be awsome.. N hes like 5'11 ahh tall men are like awsome ..!! Well yeahh idk if i should go or not..!�! >.<

But Yeah Thats all i wanted to write.. nothing much to write about.. besides today Joes bday :D hehe 23rd i think?? or 22nd? idk lol but yeah happy bday..! :) lets see what we do!!

As everyone is geting ready for skool i caint help but dread going back and seeing my crushes and my enamies but as much as dreading that im afraid that when i go back everything will change like my friends my feelings my heart my songs my personality i dont want that i wanna be thee girl i want 2 be and as much and as easy as that sounds some how every year i seem too follow some group insdead of my heart.As much as i wanna GO BACK TO SEE MY FRIENDS� i think going back is gonna hurt me more than anything cuz the guy i like will breaK my heart.

but mabey mabey this year wil be diffrent just mabey

I disobeyed the prophet who told me not to look back and read some of the i.m. "he" sent some months ago. No purpose for doing so, there isnt anything there that would've have� allowed me to detect� or predict his many deceptions. Damn I feel like such a freaking fool. How did I get myself into that mess. Or why did I allow my emotions to take me for a roller coaster ride? Still unanswered questions linger... why? Why?

Iam totally single now... with reason of course. One of my fears is being alone, which Iam conquering� methodically and slowly. There are times when I question whether I want� continue living this way, the answer is of course not!� However I need to� do me . Whomever I marry (if I ever do) I want to prove to be an asset versus dead weight. I dont honestly know with surety if I ever will remarry, but for now friendships will suffice. I need to re establish a relationship with self, love me unconditionally first.

I awoke early this morn, while� the children were resting.� I�finished reading this book called tortured for christ.� I cannot grasp why someone would voluntarily� consent to martyrdom. Dont get it twisted I love christ as well, however not to this extent. Pray for me, cause I would not under any circumstance submit to being abused. The crucifixon was enough for me christ paid it all. I consider� his death the ultimate�cost �for my sin. So why should I suffer needlessly when he already paid the price.

I sincerely belive that there are better ways to serve god than being beating, kicked spat on� imprisoned and the like. Never before have I appreciated the freedom of living in the west as I do now. I am not limited to� speak because of my gender or ethnicity.

How did i forget to mention that yesterday zay pissed me off, by sneaking someone into our home. I feel this was disrespectful as well as tacky on her part. If her baby daddy is so into her, then why cant he take her to a hotel. Or how about providing for them a place to live? It is evident to him that I dont care for him, his motive is so transparent to me? Does she refuse to see his agenda, or is blinded by her own selfish desires.

Wow I didnt mean to put bullets here but oh well, its a couple hours away from "venting time". I have been thinking about the "bishop". Mundane things like what is his favorite past time. What is he like outside of church, does he possess a personality? Or is he stiff like a starched shirt. I have his number but I havent called him since we spoke earlier this week. My reasoning for doing so is that if he� is into me then it will be him pursuing me and not vice versa. Iam not thirsty nor am I desperate. Not looking for anything other than friendly conversation@ this point. Relationships take a toll on me,they keep my mind churning with what ifs. I need to take some time out for me, I have been neglecting me for so long that I dont know how to take care of me. I actually feel guilty if or when I do something for myself. I dont eat properly, children hovering over me when I do manage to get a� bite of food turns me off.�Have �not sleep well, I have� alot of stuff on my mind these days. Such as school and conquering many fears.

I recongize my need to control is derived from fear, fear of the unknown, change...... I have to make some changes as suggested to me.

I havent written in ages, The Reason is cos my laptop has been playing up and hibernating on me!! anyway, My hamsters died, i was really upset about that, im such a tender soul!! And i watched i am ledgend yesterday and i cried when he had to strangle his dog to save her =( i had to take my dog (one of them!!) to the vet,Cos she has a big lump,bump thing on her back paw, but i thought it should be best to check it. it hasnt been irritating her ir anything, but im going on holiday soon for two weeks so i dont want anything to get worse or my other dog to irritate it or her, she is a little troublemaker but i love them soo soo soo much, i cant even explain in words!! anyway, They gave her an antibiotic so it wouldnt hurt or get infected and they tried to get fluids out of it to indentify, and nothing cameout buta little thing of goo, so they put that on a glass plate and sent it back to the lab for testing, so that cost 72 smakers... vet fees are so expensive!!! so is everything else!!! Anyway, The death of michael Jackson hurt me and hit me like two tons of hard marble bricks. I loved him so much and�he was such a kind hearted person.

RIP

xx

�

LolaStar18

�I had a pretty good morning when I�woke up.� I�slept as late as I�could. �I�had a dream that I�had a book overdue and the charges were $3.53.� It bothered me, so I�checked one of my library accounts� and found that I�did have a book overdue, but it was not as much as what I�dreamed about.� It's only $0.80.� I am not happy that it's overdue, but at least I�thought to check before the charges got any higher.

Ellis called me just now, why Iam unsure. We have nothing� to discuss or share. I prefer not to be in his company. I conveyed how I felt about him neglecting me, of course he was nonchalant. It's whatever, NEXT! I� have moved on...� the him I used to refer to is calling me from a state facility, with many apolgogies. He also wrote me a letter. However Iam not interested. Considering the torment he put me through I� have nothing left to say to him. For some time I was� bruised as well as wounded due to his speedy exodus. I forgave him, yet I wonder why I cry privately. He claims to want to reconcile, however I doubt it is feasible. I dont trust him and in the crevices of my mind� hestitation still� exist.

I've given him to much air time, I had left my home for 2 months, stayed with my mom briefly due to some stressful situations. I met someone� during this time other than Ellis, he appears harmless. Dont know much about him other than he is a Bishop also single parent. Seems ok, not really looking forward to a relationship with him or anyone @ this point. I need a hiatus right now, dont mind friendship but anything beyond this� will bring on issues. I have to be forthright with myself he is handsome, militant and an ok kisser lol.

God, I just finished reading Crank. Honestly? It's really good!

-sighs- Summer feels so endless. It's like a being in a warm fuzzy dream that you don't want to get out of.

But.

It's SO boring sometimes.

I want to go back to school.

NO! I don't.

�Going back to school would be:�

1) Another torturous 10 months of using your brain. +grad. i'm actually kinda scared of grad... because well, high school comes after that.

2) Another year of me hiding, being the clueless girl everybody thought and knew me as ever since I stepped into their lives.

3)GOD... early early mornings..Not to mention that cold winters walking to the friggen bus stop when it's -30 out.

4) new wardrobe! YUM.

Okay. don't worry right? One more year. 10 more months.

Maybe... I will grow into someone I want to be. Someone that is hiding. Someone who has the courage to be themself.

Eh.

Other things that are endless =)�

-the clouds hanging over my head. where's the sun?

- my cat's screeches.

love

blahbee